Intrinsic Echoes

why is it that some things just never get said?

Friday I went out to lunch with work colleagues that I haven’t seen in over a year partly because I was such a wreck health wise, physically and mentally last year and partly because losing my ability to work and seeing them crushed me so completely because they represented what I could no longer do. It was such a motivating, soul affirming, fun, enjoyable lunch. It also shone a big ol’ spotlight on exactly the reason I worked beyond my physical and mental capacity and still went down kicking and screaming “Please don’t take my career from me.” I forced myself out of bed each day when I should have stayed put because these people made going to work worth it – it some weird way.

I’m on LTD (long term disability). I worked in IT. When I say I loved my career, I mean I lived and breathed it. I never really worked a day in my life (except those few positions where I just didn’t fit, but I just moved positions to something I did fit.) The stress lit fires in me that made it a game – exciting, fun, challenging! There was no problem so big or obstacle too wide that I couldn’t find a solution or way around, and that was affirming. I really thought that sheer force of will could hold my broken body and mind together while I did what I loved most – this career that I had built from nothing to one where I actually felt competent and comfortable and energized – until it couldn’t because MS yelled louder and restricted my thinking in ways I didn’t think was possible, but it did it anyway. My last few years were in the most mission critical, core business highest stress possible in my organization. Even good stress, so I’ve learned, can be way too much for the MS brain – my brain.

A year later I have perspective now. I also have an idea on how I could approach my job healthier, gentler, kinder to myself and my constant dictator: MS. I know I could do things differently. Not today. I just swallowed the 2 tablets that will make me feel off and exhausted. Day 1 of 5 for this final year of Mavenclad. Next month I will have 5 more days of tablets and then I’m done and we see what happens until 2021. I joke with my nearly grown children that the pills are radioactive because the handling instructions come with decontamination protocols should they touch any surface outside the packaging. It’s extreme. I can’t take myself too seriously (in spite of the somber posts.)

My goal right now is to find a way back to my desk – somehow. I don’t know what the least financially damaging way that would be right now. I also don’t know how to convince my medical team to let me. They’ve been trying to get me to stop working for about 10 years. They won’t even entertain the notion at the moment. Their response is actually reasonable (as much as I want to stomp around and deny it.) I have to learn how to live outside of work. I have to find activities that provide counterbalance to the frenetic pace and provide enjoyment and relaxation that I can also look forward to when I am not in the office that are just as fulfilling. I haven’t done this piece yet. I also have to find room for the therapies that will support going back to work, and really be aware of how much time and energy really is available to work in an office setting again. If I go back before these are in place, I will end up right back where I am or worse, and that’s no way to live. However, the end goal of getting back into my career has me glowing with possibility, and this is something I haven’t felt in a really long time.

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