I am the type of person who tries really hard to accept people at face value. What I mean by this is I take you as you present yourself on a day to day basis. I try not to make snap judgments, especially when I hardly know you. I know that one meeting is just one meeting. Many meetings over time are necessary for me to get a “baseline” expectation for how you and I are going to work (or not work) together. Before I decide that we won’t work, though, I’m a questioner. “I see this happening between us. I’m curious as to why this is happening? Here’s what I need…. how can we work together to do this? What do you need? Where can we find common ground to work together?” I try very hard to recognize that we all have stuff to work through. I also try hard to recognize that everyone has a place around the table if we just learn to work together. It’s why I find any sort of -ism so challenging to wrap my head around. I am very aware of my privilege, and work very hard to throw myself into someone else’s shoes when I don’t understand their point of view until I get it or at least a reasonable facsimile of understanding between us. I can’t truly understand what I haven’t lived. Compassion is my strength.

Before I was visibly disabled and a wheelchair user, I had a bunch of invisible challenges that were disabilities, and it was a huge uphill battle for recognition. I was involved in my workplace’s Disability Committee to ensure that the work I was doing made things accessible for a wide variety of visible and invisible disabilities. I was the person responsible for making sure that all the projects I touched met the accessibility standards, and improved as technology improved. Then my disabilities became, not so invisible and much more restrictive, and now that I am so very – Other. I am smacked hard in how Abelist society is to an often cruel degree, and at worst not only am I now excluded, Able bodied people think I should be grateful for the access I have. I should just accept that I am on the Fringe, and be happy with what I have. I mean seriously now that I’m in a powerchair I can’t honestly expect equal equitable access to everything – you’re a minority after all. Yes actually I do expect equal and equitable access everywhere. It’s the law and you’re supposed to be compliant by 2020 which is 4 months from now, but what do I know?

There is abelism in health care. I am constantly having to educate new PSWs because it’s like a revolving door of new people.

It’s been a terrible few weeks with muscle spasticity. It’s not charlie horses; it’s muscles so tight and hard that they sometimes feel like bone on the really bad days. No muscle in my body is left unaffected. It’s the reason I don’t sleep more than 2 hours at a time. It’s the reason I am currently not at work like I want to be. It’s also the thing I try to limit my complaining to “It’s a bad day” because I’m already doing everything I can to deal with this nonsense and there’s nothing I can do until I see another specialist in a few weeks. I’m managing it the best I can.

PSW: There’s got to be some medication you can take to fix that.

Me: I’m already at over maximum dose for one medication, and they’ve added a second and no – if medication, exercise, physio, massage and accepting PSW Care hasn’t dented it – It’s just part of MS and it sucks.

PSW: That doesn’t make sense.

Me: 🤷‍♀️ It is what it is.

PSW: Well you’ll have to find something so you can do care on your own eventually

Me: Chronic degenerative illness doesn’t work that way, and if it did you’d be out of a job. (It’s been a really bad week. My filter broke)

I cannot deny ableism because it is part of my lived reality.