The Word Thief Visited Again

I refuse to continuously apologize for all of the reasons I have failed to show up here. I have fought many battles with the committee in my head to finally get here today. It’s been a process, and I know those of you who also struggle with Major Depressive Disorder get it. I’m still here. I’m still standing {well mostly sitting}. I am on the other side of a very long struggle.

I have also fought with the side of me that wants to hide, go unnoticed, a background player, the person behind the magic that happens on stage. I have a soul-sister who keeps gently nudging me out of hiding.

“Share your story. Someone else needs your words.” She tells me.

I’m then paralyzed. It’s not her fault. It’s not mine either. My story is complicated, probably like most people, or maybe not… maybe mine is a tad unbelievable unless you’ve lived it like I have. Where do I start? What do I say? What do I share? What do I hide? If I tell my story publicly, and the people that have inadvertently harmed me by action or often non-action disagree, or feel harmed by my words because they see the event or their actions differently than I do, does that negate my interpretation of my experience? Because, I have spoken my interpretation before and it has been twisted and manipulated and used against me so many times. Yet, I do feel compelled to speak it anyway. I also feel like I have to add to almost every sentence I speak: “Your mileage may vary.” “This is mine. You take what you need and leave what doesn’t resonate.” “I’m not here to argue, I’m just sharing what worked for me.” “This is where my soul builds it’s strength, if it’s hogwash to you, that’s fine move along, it’s okay.” It’s not that I really require approval. I just don’t comprehend why people tear other people down in order to build themselves up.

I’m often torn down because I don’t always understand the rules I am supposed to follow for social interactions. I was confirmed as Autistic at the age of 44. I can’t explain what a relief it was to finally confirm what I have known for ages, to finally understand why I misstep so bloody frequently. It’s a genetic thing that I passed to my youngest. I recognized myself in my her, and parented her the way I needed to be parented when I was a child in the 80’s when autism and girls was not a thing. She was diagnosed at 13 – 3 years before she came out as a trans-woman. The Y chromosome assisted her diagnoses. My parenting delayed her diagnoses. I don’t feel bad about that though. The way she is comfortable with who she actually is and speaks her truth so clearly and advocates for her needs is the gift my parenting gave her. I will be forever proud of that and in awe of her growth no matter how many stops and starts she experiences.

So… I start here. Small essays to hopefully reach the ears that need to hear the songs that I relate to my experiences, or screen readers that are hearing my text as words in headphones and speakers, and eyes reading this. I am hear to say that no matter how dark it gets. I am here for you. I know the dark. I know the shadow. I am here as a light. I’m Still fighting that thing that steals colour and emotions – Maybe we can fight this thing together.

bury a friend
[Source: https://genius.com/Billie-eilish-bury-a-friend-lyrics]

[Intro: Mehki Raine]
Billie

[Chorus: Billie Eilish]
What do you want from me? Why don’t you run from me?
What are you wondering? What do you know?
Why aren’t you scared of me? Why do you care for me?
When we all fall asleep, where do we go?

[Verse 1: Billie Eilish & Mehki Raine]
Come here
Say it, spit it out, what is it exactly
You’re payin’? Is the amount cleanin’ you out? Am I satisfactory?
Today, I’m thinkin’ about the things that are deadly
The way I’m drinkin’ you down
Like I wanna drown, like I wanna end me

[Refrain: Billie Eilish]
Step on the glass, staple your tongue (Ahh)
Bury a friend, try to wake up (Ah-ahh)
Cannibal class, killing the son (Ahh)
Bury a friend, I wanna end me

[Pre-Chorus: Billie Eilish]
I wanna end me
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna… end me
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna…

[Chorus: Billie Eilish]
What do you want from me? Why don’t you run from me?
What are you wondering? What do you know?
Why aren’t you scared of me? Why do you care for me?
When we all fall asleep, where do we go?

[Verse 2: Billie Eilish & Mehki Raine]
Listen
Keep you in the dark, what had you expected?
Me to make you my art and make you a star
And get you connected?
I’ll meet you in the park, I’ll be calm and collected
But we knew right from the start that you’d fall apart
‘Cause I’m too expensive
It’s probably somethin’ that shouldn’t be said out loud
Honestly, I thought that I would be dead by now (Wow)
Calling security, keepin’ my head held down
Bury the hatchet or bury a friend right now

[Bridge: Billie Eilish & Mehki Raine]
The debt I owe, gotta sell my soul
‘Cause I can’t say no, no, I can’t say no
Then my limbs all froze and my eyes won’t close
And I can’t say no, I can’t say no
Careful

[Refrain: Billie Eilish]
Step on the glass, staple your tongue (Ahh)
Bury a friend, try to wake up (Ah-ahh)
Cannibal class, killing the son (Ahh)
Bury a friend, I wanna end me

[Pre-Chorus: Billie Eilish]
I wanna end me
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna… end me
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna…

[Chorus: Billie Eilish]
What do you want from me? Why don’t you run from me?
What are you wondering? What do you know?
Why aren’t you scared of me? Why do you care for me?
When we all fall asleep, where do we go?

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